There are times I feel like a fake. I
am constantly weaving back and forth between a state of blissful
unawareness of practically everything and the day I will be exposed
as a fraud. Rather than wallow in this feeling, I decided to examine
it. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it won't. If I put it on the blog
then perhaps somebody else can get some use out of it.
This recent bout is directly tied to
miniature painting. There are times I literally can not paint because
of physical disability. There are other times, such as of the moment of
me writing this, where I feel like I am a fake and the only person I
can make think I should be permitted anywhere near a miniature with
paint brush in hand is myself. On an intellectual level I know I am
capable of painting a moderately acceptable tabletop quality
miniature. Even in this moment of doubt right now I know this to be true.
I had set aside personal projects to
work on something for a friend. I might just chalk this up to me
being worried about messing up something that belongs to someone I
respect. The trouble with that assumption is I hit this point in most
projects where I stall out. I always hit a point where I do not
believe I have the ability to finish something the way I want it to
be.
I know this feeling is baseless. I look
at models I have painted and my first thought is, "I could never
do that." Yet, there is proof sitting right there in my hand
that not only can I do it, but I have already done it. Even on my
current project for my friend which I mentioned I look at parts of it
and have that same thought. I worry about having the rest of a model
match the quality level of a part that is already finished or close
to done. Every time it is a matter of pushing through by attempting
to fake it. That tends to work as I usually have a plan for faking it
before I even get started. It's working now as I have felt this way a
few different times during this project. I am simply at that point
where I know I will mess it up, but I also know I will not because I
technically can do this.
If I share this, it is not about
seeking validation. I know I am good. I have been contemplating
setting up a Cool Mini or Not account and finding other ways to
expose myself to greater levels of criticism and feedback so I can
continue to grow as a miniature painter. I have a decent foundation
as well as the potential for growth. I know this, but right now I
don't feel this. No amount of telling me what I already know will shift the way I feel. I will continue to work and the feeling will pass
and come back again. It is difficult to push through this, but
getting through these periods is part of what makes the hobby so
rewarding for me.
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