Captain's Personal Log - Stardate 13016.128

Our destination is Ironius Paintorus III in the Wyrd system. Preparations are underway to present the representatives with a scientific gift that will interface with their technology, but not be of their own making. The engineers ensure me that all of the components are available and assembled. My Science officer will be calibrating the prototype model while the ship's Counselor will be overseeing the final preparations. We must arrive and present the model no later than the morning of 13016.130, or all is for naught.

This is a personal entry. It is a little bit on the long side. It is a post that many should probably skip. There is a bit of me feeling sorry for myself in this post. This post may contain Too Much Information (TMI). Consider that a final warning that you will not get back the time it took to read the remainder. I feel it is important to share life's hiccups on occasion, and I have the time to do so right now.

The Cycle Rolls Over

I do not make New Year's resolutions. I have considered them, but the way I figure, if there is something I was not going to do then I was unlikely to do it merely because the date changed.

I tend not to perform a focused reflection on the past year either. I am constantly looking back at my life. It's just not normally in a compartmentalized way such as placing events in boxes marked by years. In fact, I rarely put the past away at all. I simply leave it open like a festering wound to watch it turn green over time as I focus on it and seldom address the past in a meaningful way other than to permit it to depress me and attribute to my inaction in the future. Maybe this is something I should try.

Whisps of Smoke

I was planning on posting Part 2 of the Zappcon 2015 breakdown today. I simply wanted to state that I will wait at least one more day before posting the follow up to my last post in case anyone was waiting for it. Upon waking, I discovered a friend had died. This post contains adult language.

Buying Local

The topic of where we buy our models comes up frequently in the miniature wargaming hobby. The reasons for either are both varied and valid. Some people buy locally because it supports the place they are currently playing. Others buy online because it is cheaper and they are playing in their homes or the home of a friend. I do a bit of both personally. I tend to order models through my local shop unless there is an insane deal or the item I want is something my local store can not order for me.

The Charlatan Shuffle

There are times I feel like a fake. I am constantly weaving back and forth between a state of blissful unawareness of practically everything and the day I will be exposed as a fraud. Rather than wallow in this feeling, I decided to examine it. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it won't. If I put it on the blog then perhaps somebody else can get some use out of it.

That One Time I Spotted a Paint Huffer

Imagine coming home in the afternoon. One of your neighbors is sprawled out on their porch with a can of spray paint in one hand, two more on the ground next to them, and a box about a foot and a half from their face. What would you do? In this situation, most neighbors went on their way never saying anything. Nobody ever did say anything to the man laid out on his porch, but one did report that there was somebody huffing paint on their porch in front of God and everybody. That neighbor demanded the management of the complex serve an eviction notice immediately. The manager sent someone around to check. Sure enough, there I was fanning a box where the inside was painted black with three cans of paint sitting next to me.

As some of my posts can attest to, I will occasionally paint miniatures. Part of that process for me involves spraying primer at the start of a project, or applying varnish at the end. As this blog can also attest to, I am physically disabled. I am unable to sit up on my own.

That day I had crawled out of my sliding glass door onto my porch which is open on three sides because it offers ventilation where I do not have that luxury indoors. Because of my physical limitations I was using one arm to prop myself up, and the other arm to alternate between spraying the models, fanning the models, flipping the models, and turning the box. The box in question this time was actually the Savage Orcs unit box sitting inside a shallow box that used to hold packs of ramen noodles. The clearance between the top of the box the models were sitting on and the sides of the ramen box was less than three inches. It's nothing fancy, but it keeps the paint off of the porch without having to go through the trouble of laying out a sheet or spreading papers.

Most of the time my face was probably about a foot and a half to two feet away from the box. There were moments I was shoving my face right in there to get a good look at how the models were being covered with the primer. I was also experimenting with priming in black then using a brown spray paint to create an undertone over the entirety of those models. It did not work for me as the spray paint was too smooth for my purposes, but that was the explanation for one of the spray bottles. I always take out at least one can of either grae or white with me when priming black as well in case I decide at the last minute I want to preshade without having to crawl all the way back to my room then to the porch again.

I am not mad or upset the neighbor did this. It makes perfect sense to me how someone could perceive my actions as an attempt to get high. I do the same thing. One of the things I do on this blog is share my opinions. I take the information I have available to me and offer my viewpoint. It is extremely rare to have all information on a subject. Even if I did, my opinions are not facts. I realize this even though it does not always occur to me to state this each time I share an opinion. My opinions are my attempt to make sense of the pieces I do have at hand. I try to find more pieces when I realize I am missing pieces. I also like to share those pieces as my understanding changes with them. I try not to make demands or assume I know what is going on based on my perceptions, but my opinions are formed by them.

I am sharing the story to illustrate how we interpret what reality presents us with. Not once did any of the neighbors who passed by my porch inquire as to what I was doing. Neither did the person the office send by to see what I was doing. In fact, none of the people that passed me as I laid on the porch with my head shoved in a box of fresh paint uttered a single word to me. They saw what was in front of them and applied common sense in order to determine what the reality of the situation was.

State of the Blog - 06 Jul 2014

Looks like the camera is dead. There will not be any posts with pictures of my models for the foreseeable future unless I use some older pictures.

I am uncertain where exactly this leaves my blog. While this blog is a place for me to post whatever I want, it was developing a focus on miniature painting. I will still post, but there will likely be quite a bit of stumbling around while I try to find my footing again where the blog is concerned. I have a few ideas for content, but nothing concrete as of yet.

I hope to have some other forms of regular content developed to help round out the blog by the time there is painting to share again. I am still not going to have specific posting days on particular topics. My life really does not support that style of blogging. On the other hand I may try out a few different modifiable titles to see if they fit.

Thank you for your patience while the blog undergoes remodeling.

Demystifying Disabilities

Non-hobby post incoming.

It has come to my attention that as a blogger that makes use of a mobility aid, a wheelchair in my case, I am obligated to blog about everything to do with disabilities. Normally, the topic of [Blank]ing with Disabilities is supposed to take over my blog completely. I am too lazy for that so you will get this one post for now. I may blog on something or other in relation to having a disability in the future, but feel that everyday life is a bit dull to be a regular part of the blog.

I guess the first thing you need to understand about people with disabilities is that we are all the same. There is nothing that separates us from one another just like all brown eyed people are exactly the same.

The second thing is we love to inspire people simply by virtue of our existence. It can be extremely flattering once we realize we motivate someone by no virtue of our own and doing nothing beyond trying to live a life.

Third, we are all sexually dysfunctional. Nothing down there works for any of us. Anybody that tells you differently is perpetuating a myth or lives in a fantasy world of their own creation. Males are incapable of achieving an erection and females never experience a real orgasm.

Fifth, disabilities should be overlooked or ignored. Just as with other burdens like alcoholism, we should just pretend disabilities are not there. A disability is not something to be worked on or kept in mind when associating with others on either side of the interaction.

Sixth, physical disabilities help hide the fact that there is always a mental condition as well. This means we are likely to be bad at simple things like counting.

Seventh, those of us in wheelchairs are amazing dancers with the besterest of moves. No joke.

Eighth, our disabilities define us, but are not a part of us. They influence no aspect of our lives yet encompass everything we are.

I hope this helps clear up any misconceptions our lessers may have concerning those of us living with disabilities.

Do We Need Feminism?

This is one of those more mature discussions. If you only come here for gaming or paint talk then you might want to skip this blog post. This post contains none of that though I am writing a follow up blog post right now that will contain hobby talk. This is my personal blog. There may be times I openly share things other people consider personal. This is one of those times. Some may also consider this post to be disturbing in nature. If you have any doubts, then please look at the tags before reading to see if you want to read on those topics or not. I am uncertain how else to preface this to warn people that might not want to read it.

There's an internet meme I see from time to time where males share a picture of themselves holding a sign with a pithy phrase along the lines of, "XXX is why I need feminism." The idea behind the meme is an interesting one that is clearly designed to grab attention, but does little to really get into the details of why these men feel the need to do this.

I grew up surrounded by women with the only men around being those I had seen in school which were few and far between from my scattered memory. Both my mother and step mother were strongly independent women that proved to me time and again that men were not needed. I never felt the desire to really get to know my father outside of a passing curiosity so never understood the need of other children for that connection. My sisters have all grown into radiant women I am intensely proud of. There are many good things I have learned being brought up in this manner.

One downside however was that I grew up feeling there was something fundamentally wrong with me. This was not the fault of any individual, but an accumulation of years upon years of never quite being as wholesome as the people around me. I came to believe there was something inherently evil about myself.

There came a point in my life when I spent some time with a person that grew up being abused. The fact she was a female was often times used as a focal point for that abuse. I had maleness directly pointed out to me as the cause of many of humanities troubles. I had never associated with other males outside of other children in a classroom setting so there were no examples of either good or bad men in my life for me to compare myself to. This individual still had a lot of hurt from growing up female, and events from her life as an adult did not help matters.

I came to believe that my sex was a problem. Not just for myself, but potentially for society in the future as well. I became extremely despondent as I could not think of a solution to the problem. Suicide was not an option because that would leave others to clean up my mess after me. Being male was my only option no matter how wrong it was.

We were talking one time and it was another discussion on how males cause many of society's problems. I sank further into myself so I would not have to face my own wrongness when she put a knife down in front of me. There was a solution. We talked for a long while after that. I did not even realize I had picked up the knife until she was taking it away from me. I had not yet earned the right to cleanse this evil from myself.

This happened on more than one occasion. Each time I would be talked into picking up that knife or a pair of scissors. Each time I would come away ashamed that I was still unworthy to remove this sin from my body. I truly did come to the point where I felt I would never be a whole individual as long as I had a penis. It was not a desire to be a female so much as it was a need to no longer be male.

A couple of years ago somebody posted a news article on some forums about a woman castrating her husband. I made an off colour comment about how all men deserved it at some point or another in their lives. It was not until people responded to that post that I began to realize that not everyone felt that castration was a viable option to the problem that is men. Not only that, but manhood in and of itself is not a sin.

Thankfully, I was amongst friends whom I was able to openly discuss things with so I could more easily understand where they were coming from. I went from childhood up into my thirties believing that castration was not only an option, but something to strive for and actively earn. I never truly realized how alone I was in feeling this way. I understood on an intellectual level that castration was illegal, but beneath the surface I still believed that all these men walking around were carrying the same shame I had for all those years. That is what being male meant to me.

There are many things that people never talk about. Most of them are uncomfortable topics. Some of them are so common that everybody assumes these things do not need to be talked about while others are so uncommon that most people never experience those things at all. If you never talk about these things then it is hard to know which is which so you can come to the assumption that something you take as common is an experience not shared by many. The inverse is true as well. Just because you are going through something does not mean you are experiencing it alone or that there is not somebody available to help. Find somebody, anybody to talk to about anything and everything. I did not even realize how deep my issues with my own sex went until it came out in the open.

I do not know what it is like to be a woman having never been one. I do know what it feels like to be made to feel like there is something innately wrong with yourself due to your sex. I also do not know if feminism is something the world needs or not. It is a step however, and we need to take steps to move away from where we are at. I definitely prefer feminism over standing still. If feminism makes it to where fewer people grow up feeling their sex is a vile thing to be ashamed of then I am for it.

Oh, and before it comes up, the person that intensified and focused my feelings on maleness being a blight upon the world was not a feminist. She was an abused individual that needed help and was reciprocating her experiences back into the world because it was all she knew. I can hardly blame her for amplifying my own feelings at the time.

Anatomy of a Letter

Word of warning, this is not a hobby related post. I should have one coming Soon ™. I have been cleaning models and that takes me a while.

An individual that inspires me recently asked about biggest regrets in the lives of those who follow her on Facebook. It got me to thinking. My biggest regret is not taking advantage of the opportunities I had available to me. Like many people, I have self-esteem issues. The difference between younger and current me is I am a bit more aware of this shortcoming than I was when I was younger.

This blog was going to be a simple letter to my past self, but here is what I came up with.

Dearest Smeghead,

You are an idiot

Love,

Future You

Then I thought, “Hey, I will write a letter to my present self from my future self.” That’s clever! The following is that letter.

Fucking Smeghead,

You are a fucktard.

Fuck You,

Future You

At this point all I know for certain is that I am a smeghead. As with many things that seem clever before starting the letter was more gimmicky than anything.

The difficulty I have is that I do not know what to say to myself to get me to take steps to improve myself. I still have self-esteem issues. Knowing about it does not make it any less so. It’s not just that I see my flaws, but I see fictitious flaws and I do not necessarily know which is which. Because of this, I am not aware of any potential strength I may have.

This shortsightedness on my part has led to me not pursuing various opportunities in my life. That includes potential jobs, raises, hobbies, and relationships of all flavours. All regrets I have concerning my life to this point can tie directly into my belief that I am neither good enough, nor deserving enough to pursue an option.

I am not sharing this because I think it will get me compliments or words of encouragement. As nice as words are, I have been told how smart I am or how good I am at this or that for most of my life. It has yet to change how I see myself. I am sharing in the hope that if somebody reads this and it helps that one person to see past the image they set for themselves then it can help prevent one future regret. Heck, the person it helps might just be me.

Dear Random Person with Self-Esteem Issues,

I know you do not see it right now, but you can and should pursue that path on your mind. Otherwise it will just go to waste. It is okay to get close to people. It is natural to have somebody cry at your funeral and actively working against it will not necessarily prevent it. Nobody deserves castration or disembowelment. That includes you. You are just as worthy of happiness as that bank teller, politician, panhandler, CEO, bully, and everybody else inside and outside of existence. There exists the possibility for happiness for all and it is easier to help others get there if you can get yourself there.

Love,

Smeghead

What Resolution?

I have been thinking about setting up some New Year’s Resolutions for the first time in my life. That is right; I have never to this date set a New Year’s Resolution for myself. I had written up, pruned, re-built, torn down, resurrected, and demolished a list of things I want to do and not do in the miniature war gaming hobby in 2014 with a particular emphasis on painting my models.

Looking back at my painting habits as of late I do not think I require a New Year’s resolution to continue to improve my painting. My health also makes it a bit rough to plan a week ahead paint wise let alone a year. I can see myself improving and know there is plenty of room for personal growth. In 2013 I have managed to paint more models in the span of one month than the combined total of models painted from 2001 though 2012. I am still learning new techniques and trying new things as recent as this morning. Setting limits on the process as it is occurring now does not make much sense and most of the lists involved putting limits on myself if we go by sheer number of entries in the lists I have been making.

In spite of the various rewrites of that list there has been one underlying theme that remained throughout the process, but was not obvious to me at first. I want to be more social with my painting. I do not have a firm grasp on how I want to go about doing this as of yet, but for the first New Year’s Resolution of my life I am going to make 2014 the year I will find a way to make miniature painting a more social experience. Perhaps even a cooperative one as well.

I expect I will start with simply painting in public, but I am starting to think of ideas for events to encourage other people to become involved as well. I realize cooperative miniature painting is something akin to people playing Solitaire while sitting at the same table, but perhaps we can put a variant rule set on the traditional means of painting alone even when there are other people present.

I realize I have a young, somewhat wordy, and sporadic blog with few posts that is a bit all over the place content wise so this request might fall on deaf ears. If you are reading this and have a suggestion to help me nurture a more social side of miniature painting then please share. I am willing to listen to any and all suggestions on the subject even if I end up not going the route offered or tweak the path to my own tastes. If anyone is interested in sharing in the experience then feel free to contact me so we can get together to paint.

Please have a pleasant 2014.

A Letter to a Friend

My dear friend,

Right now you are hurting. You ache. You are in a dark place where ugliness leers at you with no evidence of an exit in sight or even a possible path to pursue for an escape. You may even be feeling like your life doesn’t matter overly much to others, if it means anything at all to other people.

I would like to attempt to tell you why you mean so much to me.

You are a passionate person. Those passions not only run deep, but in many directions and touch people from different walks of life. You do not shun people based on anything other than how they conduct themselves as a person where some would push them away for merely existing. You are somebody that can be counted on to be there for others. You have an impact on others and when they stop to think on what you have to say they are generally better off for it. My life is better for having known you. Thank you for allowing me to be your friend.

Recently you did something that was nothing short of amazing. You took your stream of passion and gathered other streams about you. You then took the river that was formed to cut a path through a mountain. You then paved that path and made certain it was dry. There were contributors, but it was you directing your passion in a gracious cause that made it possible.

Because of you another Human Being’s life has changed drastically for the better. You took a twinkling of hope, and blew right past it to levels not even dreamed of. I know you experienced panic and anxiety during the process, and you are hurting now. I wish you also got to feel some of the joy and hope you brought to another.

It is times like this that I enjoy pointing you out to other people. “Look! That is my friend. She is a force for good to be reckoned with. She is witty and loving; brilliant and passionate. She is my friend, and she is beautiful.”

My sincerest love,

Nymie the Pooh

Roderick Neil Ball

Welcome to the Kibitz Knook

Salutations. I am the host of the Kibitz Knook, Nym Squee Pimpley. The Kibitz Knook is a personal blog with a focus on a variety of gaming topics. In time it should host posts ranging from table top wargaming to pen and paper role playing games to video games. Along the way I will spew out theories I have on gaming along with posts about related topics such as miniature painting and what exactly is the best tool for removing a spear after your cat leaves a model laying next to your bed in the middle of the night.

There may be personal information about myself from time to time as this is a personal blog. This post is one such example as I felt it was prudent to introduce myself along with the blog. I will endeavor to keep any in depth personal information to their own posts so they are easy to skip over should I ever feel the need to post such.

Speaking of myself, I am a wheelchair bound individual. I currently reside in Central California with my three cats and roommate/caregiver. Sometimes her daughter and grandkids along with their cat lives with us. My health waxes and wanes, but even with that I haven’t been able to sit up on my own for about five years. It’s been a slow but gradual degradation that has been taking place since the 1990s. The doctors do not know what exactly is occurring with my body. The most recent theory is Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy (CIDP), but they do not know for certain. I have controlled Type 2 Diabetes and bad cholesterol. Both are nearly to a level of control not worth mentioning, but I’m attempting to be thorough yet brief in case anybody does decide to read this. My health has actually been in a bit of an upswing starting roughly a before writing this. I am able to get to my computer with greater regularity and have been getting out more. Part of the reason for this blog is that I want to write about gaming or flesh out one of the many disjointed game ideas I have while I am able.

My experience with video game consoles includes the Atari 2600, NES, SNES, Gamecube, Gameboy, Gameboy Colour, and the first generation Gameboy DS. The one really comfortable chair that can accommodate me is sitting in front of my computer so I have had little desire to spend much time in front of the television. My first pen and paper roleplaying game was the D&D Rules Cyclopedia. I did a lot of bartering building up from my lunches to buy it and then had to smuggle it to and from school. Smuggling is wrong kids.

So far I have played and run many different RPG systems including Dungeons & Dragons, Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, Palladium, Gurps, Old & New World of Darkness, Call of Cthulhu, Shadowrun, and Savage Worlds among others. The only CCG I’ve spent any real time with was Magic: the Gathering, but I haven’t played in years. I own a bunch of the Marvel and DC VS system cards, but never played. I have an interest in just about any miniatures game I can get my hands on. Steam says I currently own 123 games through that service while Origin has about twenty and over fifty on Good Old Games and yet there are still CDs and other games I have no clue what I have done with them. I used to cycle through MMOs. City of Heroes, Dungeons & Dragons Online, Star Wars Galaxies, and World of Warcraft are the ones I have played the most, and in that order. The most recent MMO has been Defiance. I just haven’t put in much time with any MMO lately. I’ve also been playing Facebook games lately. One of the ideas I have for a feature is to start a new game for Marvel Avengers Alliance and catalogue what it is like going through with a fresh account since I started mine right before Spec Ops 1.

I think that is more than enough about me for now. Hopefully that will give those of you interested some insight into what you might find here. This should cover all the basics and give me one post to point people at if they ask about me.