Anatomy of a Letter

Word of warning, this is not a hobby related post. I should have one coming Soon ™. I have been cleaning models and that takes me a while.

An individual that inspires me recently asked about biggest regrets in the lives of those who follow her on Facebook. It got me to thinking. My biggest regret is not taking advantage of the opportunities I had available to me. Like many people, I have self-esteem issues. The difference between younger and current me is I am a bit more aware of this shortcoming than I was when I was younger.

This blog was going to be a simple letter to my past self, but here is what I came up with.

Dearest Smeghead,

You are an idiot

Love,

Future You

Then I thought, “Hey, I will write a letter to my present self from my future self.” That’s clever! The following is that letter.

Fucking Smeghead,

You are a fucktard.

Fuck You,

Future You

At this point all I know for certain is that I am a smeghead. As with many things that seem clever before starting the letter was more gimmicky than anything.

The difficulty I have is that I do not know what to say to myself to get me to take steps to improve myself. I still have self-esteem issues. Knowing about it does not make it any less so. It’s not just that I see my flaws, but I see fictitious flaws and I do not necessarily know which is which. Because of this, I am not aware of any potential strength I may have.

This shortsightedness on my part has led to me not pursuing various opportunities in my life. That includes potential jobs, raises, hobbies, and relationships of all flavours. All regrets I have concerning my life to this point can tie directly into my belief that I am neither good enough, nor deserving enough to pursue an option.

I am not sharing this because I think it will get me compliments or words of encouragement. As nice as words are, I have been told how smart I am or how good I am at this or that for most of my life. It has yet to change how I see myself. I am sharing in the hope that if somebody reads this and it helps that one person to see past the image they set for themselves then it can help prevent one future regret. Heck, the person it helps might just be me.

Dear Random Person with Self-Esteem Issues,

I know you do not see it right now, but you can and should pursue that path on your mind. Otherwise it will just go to waste. It is okay to get close to people. It is natural to have somebody cry at your funeral and actively working against it will not necessarily prevent it. Nobody deserves castration or disembowelment. That includes you. You are just as worthy of happiness as that bank teller, politician, panhandler, CEO, bully, and everybody else inside and outside of existence. There exists the possibility for happiness for all and it is easier to help others get there if you can get yourself there.

Love,

Smeghead